That's intense
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
