But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
