I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
