Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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