just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
