If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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