A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
