is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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