Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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