I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
