youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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