there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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