there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
