Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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