everyone is single if you try hard enough
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
