Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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