Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
