I'm jealous of your bromance
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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