I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
