God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
