I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
