Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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