i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
