i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let's get the cat blown out
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize