Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
