So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
