I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
