If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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