I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
organizing the empties. That sober.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
