I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
