But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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