I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
