what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
