Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
