i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
