i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
