Where did you get a picture of my penis
oh god the rape fog is back!
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize