I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just invented taco cereal.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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