Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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