Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
