I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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