I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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