Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
