My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
