He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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