Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
