I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
