ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
is it fun? or sober?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
