Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
