She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
