I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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