this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
