she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
