Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
