I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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