you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
