in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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