apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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