Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
