Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
