She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
