If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
