Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
